Saturday, May 29, 2010

"When you look for the bad expecting it, you will find it." ~ Abraham Lincoln

What makes a good friend? Why do we find ourselves settling for people who do not particularly enhance our lives? How do we attract and keep the kind of friends we have always wanted?

We are all, to some extent, the product of our circumstances. We carry the victories and failures of our parents’ into our own lives where they become both cornerstones and stumbling blocks. We sew our own circumstances into this ancestral tapestry and pass the heritage along generation after generation, ad infintum. When we choose friends who ‘feel like home’ we fall, once again, into the patterns of our childhood.

Consider nurture. What affect do circumstances have on the decisions we make and how do those decisions shape the cycle of our day to day lives? Conversely, consider nature and our predisposition as dictated by our DNA. When we take the time to consider how nurture has infringed upon our nature we can begin to unravel the circumstances that dictated who we became. A clearer understanding of who we are as dictated by our circumstances opens the door for exploration of our nature of who we were meant to be. What makes a good friend? First and foremost we must know ourselves.

My father was a bully and my mother was distant. These circumstances left me feeling unwanted and unneeded as a child. I carried the result of my circumstances into adulthood and, over time, I became the quintessential caretaker. Being the “hero” defined me. Consequently, I drew people to me who fed the need in me to feel important. Generally, I attracted people who had very little to offer me in the way of true friendship. Psudo-friends, more than willing to allow me be their “hero”, had nothing to give me in return when I reached out for reciprocity. I repeated a cycle. I would attach myself to anyone who allowed me to solve their problems. I’d feel important. Then, when I needed support and got nothing, my feelings would be hurt. The friendship would fizzle…next!

In my thirties my nurture and my nature began to quarrel and I began to question why, even though I had a large group of friends, I felt alone and unsatisfied. I questioned the circumstances of my childhood in relation to the patterns of my adulthood. Understanding the circumstances that led me to the role of caretaker led me to the realization that I wanted to be a “hero” and as such solve problems and get my fix of feeling important. Feeling important felt almost like love if I didn’t look at it closely and it also made me feel needed. These surrogate feelings became a shield that provided temporary shelter from my feelings of exclusion. This shield allowed me to show concern for others while maintaining a façade of aloofness that hid my own fear of vulnerability.

“You can’t always get what you want.” ~ Mick Jagger

I realized that many of the people that I allowed to enter my circle were there because something about them felt familiar...not necessarily good but familiar. Also present were people who loved me and wanted to support me but I kept them at a distance because drawing them closer required something of me that I was unequipped to give; trust. My actions as a “hero” worked in direct opposition to my desires for my life! I was working diligently to create for myself the exact life that I didn’t want! I was an adult still reacting to the circumstances of my childhood. I put on a brave face but because I never confronted the unwanted little girl she followed me into my adult life.

I was unhappy, physically and metaphorically, so I began the process of manifesting a new me. I took an honest look into the reflection of the universal mirror a.k.a. the people around me and listened to what it/they were saying. I didn’t like what I saw. I repeated patterns that didn’t suit me questioning my actions even while I was repeating the cycle. I ignored the reflection of my actions and rationalized my habits by making justifications like, “that’s not what I meant;” “people don’t get me;” “I know who I am it doesn’t matter if anyone else does…” Guess what! The universe could care less about our pride. Manifesting positive friendships isn’t about who we think that we are as much as whom we are perceived to be. Accidentally planting briars when you think that you are planting tomatoes gets you a garden of guess what? Briars. If you want tomatoes then you must be very careful to plant tomato seeds.

In an attempt to Pay It Forward I offer this website to anyone who is looking for confirmation that happiness is surrounding you. This is not a new concept. Dorothy was already wearing the ruby slippers. She simply had to make the choice to click them together. Click ‘em already! We must confront our actions; accept full responsibility for the result of these actions and MAKE DIFFERENT CHOICES. We must be our own best friend; treat ourselves with respect, hold ourselves to a higher standard, become an active participant in our own lives and focus on the people who can help us achieve our goals.

Imagine your best case scenario. Do this constantly. Embrace the dreams of your childhood. Fall asleep at night excited about taking charge of your life. Realize yourself. Things will change. You’ll see. If you build it, they will come.