He was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in his early twenties and had battled the disease for years but at 31 he felt that he was over the hump and the worst was behind him. The dilemma with colon cancer is that it mimics the symptoms of colitis identically. Those who suffer from colitis get used to getting on with their day to day lives living in a perpetual state of, “I don’t feel good.” They get used to the fevers, aches and pains associated with the disease. This was the case with Jason and he didn’t recognize the moment when his colitis turned into cancer. When we finally realized what was going on it was too late to save him.
He fought for his life for six weeks and we stood on the front lines and fought along with him. In those last days when the odds were against him and the surgeons were shaking their heads it was paramount to him that we never gave up on him. In the end he knew that he had us and that we were fighting for him. That mattered so I say to everyone, when the time comes, make the effort. We were desperate to help him and I spent many sleepless nights researching endlessly, link after link, page after page hoping to find anything that might give him another chance. Cancer is hideous and I hope the day comes when no one has to face it. He laid down his sword and gave up the battle on June 6, 2006. It was through his noble demeanor during his struggle that I learned what grace is. I am proud of him.
I must add that he did manage to graduate with a Doctorate of Law. I made the trip from Chattanooga to Knoxville and met with his Dean. During his time at school he never complained of his illness so she was stunned to learn that not only did he have cancer but he was not going to survive. No one knew he was sick. She told me that indeed he had met his requirements and she was kind enough to give me his diploma. I presented it to him in ICU on the same day he was told he had 4-6 weeks to live. By then he had both cancer and pain medication flooding through his system so he was in and out a lot. He struggled to stay present and coherent forgetting the date or confusing reality with dreams but he never forgot that he was a UTK graduate. He was extremely proud of that. Dean Edmonds was kind enough to come to Cleveland and speak at Jason’s memorial. I’m still not certain how it all works when we cross over but I hope he got to see that.
Initially I was going to focus this blog around the changes I've made in my diet after experiencing the loss of my brother. I’ve decided to write from the broadened perpsective that comes from confronting death and how that confrontation can be used to initiate a positive change in every aspect of one's life. Our family tapestry has a hole beyond mending. Our world was dimmed. I've spent the last two years living as if I have been superimposed on life. Even so, life goes on. Jason would expect us to go on as well. I know he’s in a better place and I know I’ll see him when I get there. Until then I’ll dangle here among the mortals.
What do you do when you get to the end of your rope?
Tie a knot and hold on.
